(Written January 3, 2008)
I lay awake night after night wishing that the one puzzle piece missing would slip back into place, and fill the giant hole left in my forgiving heart. The pain that's so unbearable makes my nights and days terrible. Unyielding as it is, the want and need for my true happiness to come back to me never recedes into the empty shadows of my heart. The memories, so deep, are like keys to my eyes…unlocking the tears inside and letting them fall as listless misery. Escape from the never ending pain is pointless. The love is constant and reminding. These feelings of love, pain, misery, and hopelessness are all given new yet even more painful definitions that are just as much a lesson as they are a realization. Understanding and compassionate I am towards my father who not only has dealt with these pains of love, but is still dealing with them. The feelings of being whole and content completely vanish as your days are spent worrying and your nights spent awake in the dark crying while asking yourself what you did to deserve such a burden on your life. The sudden wish for the ability to turn back time and undo what was done to possibly fix the inevitable becomes a constant yet futile hope. Slight pleasure is found from old love notes or pictures that have caught you and your true love in a frozen theme of happiness and comfort. Then to be suddenly ripped from the figment of heaven to the harsh reality of an empty ache in your heart telling the true story of a hell instead. The thought of insanity creeps into your mind as you are constantly tormented with memories and images of your inescapable plight to cling to the one important thing in your life. The person who not only stole your heart and soul, but unknowingly never gave it back. Her voice. Her smile. Her piecing eyes. These and many things are reminders of what was once had and now possibly forever lost. The dull and empty feeling of never having it again makes life and everything else seem even more pointless each day. Everything is a reminder of her. From the quiet cat naps I cherished so much on those calm afternoons to the ever so faint smell of her perfume on my clothes. Memories never forgotten, frozen in a heart with miniscule drops of hope based on love and desperation. My life, once referenced as being punctuated by difficult cross roads, is now one big and never ending downward spiral of emotional downfall and pointless attempts to progress through it all. Many chances to try at a new love are passed up and overshadowed by overwhelming feelings not yet forgotten nor relented. Peace is an unreachable goal as it is never seen much in my life. The number of shoulders left to cry on seem to diminish at an alarming rate once things begin to weigh you down. As my hope and resolve fade, my love for her stays forever strong and unwavering. Out of sheer desperation prayer spills from my mouth with hopes of regaining something…anything that would help me get her back. Like a scar on my heart, the love I have for her will always be a part of me and will always be a reminder of the pain caused by loving someone who doesn't love you in return.
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I think that as a student of life and experiences, no one, unfortunately, is immune to what you are feeling or at least what you are writing about, assuming the "I" in this narrative is you. There is nothing to be said or comfort I can offer other than to say that all things, both pleasureable and extremely painful, will pass. It seems impossible to consider, especially when you are "in it" but it will pass. I speak from experience.
ReplyDeleteOn a writing note, great use of language and capturing your pain into words. If the writing is lathargic, keep it up.