(Written July 15, 2008)
I feel like a river. Calm on the surface but with a strong current below ready to sweep me away if I let go. Building walls is what I've become good at. Trying to prevent what caused so much pain and heartache once before. But even the strongest walls sometimes crumble. This happens with harsh words or a devastating blow. Mine seem to topple with nothing but a glance and a simple hello. Its worth it really, just to let her in for even a second. To reach out and touch a memory. To offer, once again, my heart and every other part of me. A futile attempt but an attempt nonetheless. She's my human kryptonite if there ever was one. An addiction with a beauty brighter than the sun. The definition of perfection with so many flaws. Im eager for the heart-racing hellos and cast down by the time-stopping goodbyes. All the result of a failed negotiation of compromise. I want to tell her I miss her. I want to tell her I love her. But I've beaten the poor dead horse for far too long, and to my misfortune...she's moved on. Alone, and with the comfort of her memory rapped around me like a blanket, I wait. I wait for something. I wait for nothing. Cherishing the past and the thought of what might have been. All the while Im waging a war with myself. A war within.
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I had to revisit this once again, and it sound all too familiar to me. That is me, but i'm not letting a lost love in...i'm letting my mother in. Its hard to let go, even though I know its best for me. Huh, this reminded me of myself. I'm not letting her in anytime soon, but eventually..it would be nice I presume, if she lets it be that way. Thanks, i feel better.
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